Rahhhh
Am I really such a bad person?
That everyone must despise me
And go away from me?
ZZZ.

Yihong dao-ed me on her tagboard.
I know it's very no link
But I'll try to treat it as "she didn't see it".

Haha. 2+ more days to EF exam.

Sigh.
Just forget about her, will ya, xian you?
Actually I had put it down already
So I'm actually quite "relieved" now
But just have that weird feeling that I really didn't mugged enough.

EDIT:
sigh - Striving in Greater Heights
o.o

Sigh.
No life.
I mean "NO LIFE".
That is, I don't have a thing to do.
Everything I do is equal to either
Hurting someone
Or making the matter worse
Sigh.

Tell me what to do.

someone is thinking of you
someone cares about you
someone misses you

someone wants to talk to you
someone wants to be with you
someone hopes you aren't in trouble

someone wants to hold your hand

someone hopes everything turns out all right
someone wants you to be happy

someone is celebrating your successes
someone wants to give you a gift
someone think you ARE a gift
someone hopes you are not too cold, or too hot
someone wants to hug you

someone loves you
someone wants to lavish you with small gifts

someone is thinking of you and smiling

someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on
someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun

someone thinks the world of you
someone wants to protect you
someone would do anything for you
someone wants to be forgiven

someone remembers you and wishes you were there

someone needs to know that his love is unconditional

someone wants to tell you how much they care about you
someone wants to stay up watching old movies with you

someone wants to share their dreams with you

someone wants to hold you in their arms
someone treasures your spirit

someone wishes they could STOP time because of you

someone can't wait to see you

someone loves you for who you are

someone loves the way you him them feel
someone wants to be with you
someone hears a song that reminds him of you
someone wants you to know he’s there for you
someone stayed up all night thinking about you

someone is alive because of you

someone is wishing that you would notice him
someone wants to get to know you better

someone believes that you are his soul mate

someone wants to be near you

someone has faith in you

someone trusts you

Don't worry readers. (_readers_) I am now in mugging mode I believe.

Tuesday we had form teacher period. And Joseph was showing the skit cum dance that he participated in with the SCGS girls. The theme was racial harmony; and they were all dressed up in different racial groups.

When the show is playing, my class were commenting on the “er-ness” of the girls. While I was thinking differently. I think my classmates are sorta childish I don’t mean that. Maybe it is because they have never really experienced the hardship in going through all the rehearsals, as well as the joy. I think Joseph surely had learned a lot from this.

And that leads me to the AYLS days again. The days where I was like, infatuated with Lee Koon for 1.5 weeks? Sigh. Just have a strange feeling when I think of that everytime. I sort of learned something from there bah. Until now I am still thinking whether my decision of telling her I like her was a good choice. The thing is, she saw my weakened self that few days, and it’s like it would be very “funny” (readers should get what I mean) (LOL READER = moxiang + andre) to tell her that I like her when everything is in her eyes. And she even said “I guessed it long ago”.

But if I didn’t tell her, I can’t imagine what I would be feeling now. Maybe I’ll still be attracted infatuated with her? That is my guess. And I wouldn’t guess my results. I told myself that there will be a drop if I didn’t tell her on that day. I can’t even remember the date.

And strangely, I am one of the few (I don’t think I am the only one) people in 心韵.新韵 that had my results _improved_ in Term 3 (excluding the people who really don’t treasure these working days, of course, for example Bin Sheng). Sometimes I would really be thinking, what the hell? Or did I not really put in my heart into the show?

Sigh.

That is what I am afraid of. And I am constantly telling myself that that wasn’t the truth. I really enjoyed it. Really..

And I seriously think that I shouldn’t ::hate:: Lee Koon. It’s not good, of course, when I am trying to sorta destroy our ‘friendship’, or whatever you call that. Let’s just keep it that way. At least we are “acquaintances”. Yeah.

Exams are coming. And I had been slacking. I always told myself, “Time to start mugging”, but in the end I don’t even know what I was doing. But others called me a “mugger” when I isn’t one.

I really want to shout What the heck is that for.

AHHH

Sigh. I just don’t know what the heck is happening to me.
But really.
I’m starting to envy Lee Koon..
Starting to dislike her..
For some funny reason..
Sigh. What’s the point of thinking like that?
MUG.

Changed blogskin. I won't change address though.

Where did you go..
I miss you so much..
Really..
You disappeared..
I miss you..
I know it is not very nice to send the sms..
But I just wanted to care for you..
Where are you..?
I am going mad..
Sigh..

我受够了。
真的。
不明白Jeremy是在做什么。
从两点到四点二十四分。
做一个华文理解。
不够吗？
可能他的华语水平不好
但是也不需要两个多小时吧？
有的copy也不要？
现在他在那儿说shit
有用？
我明白他不要抄作业是因为他要学习
可是
Did he spare a thought for me?
Did he thought of me not being able to go home
JUST because I have to submit the papers?
I told him to submit tomorrow..
But he chose not to..

算了
为什么我每天都在说算了？

I felt that I am useless..
I wanted to help her..
When I just couldn't do a thing..
Sigh..
And she's like, dao everything?
I really want to lend a hand..

zz

Still recovering from the maforums thing la.

Mindy..
Stop it la.
Sigh.
But I think I got it somehow clear now.
It shouldn't be her.
:p

EXPLOSION! WAHAHA.

Shan't think too much now.
Baona said "I can't talk"
Don't know what she mean..
Was worrying if she got finger prob
Sigh..
I think I really.

-edit-

will think more carefully now.
still very confused.
maybe i must put down 1 bah..
(ok thats obvious)

-edit-

I must say sorry to bw here..
I forgot about your birthday.. totally..
It was momo who told me about it..
OMG LA..
Sorry wor..
Really very very sorry..
Don't even know whether I can still be considered as your good friend..
Sigh..
Just hope you can forgive me..

sidenote: wow rachel was the 1st one to wish boon happy birthday. OMGWTHBBQ

STONE.

Stoning
Takes up part of my life.
Sigh.

NO LIFE! WHY LIKE THAT?
HUH WHY LIKE THAT?
Sigh..
I don't want to mug..
I JUST don't want to mug..
AHHH.
I'm gonna die.

DIE FOOL!
WAHAHA.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOMEONE HELP ME
WAHHHHHH IM GONNA FREAK OUT LIAO
..
Sigh.
No one's gonna help la
And no one can help la..
So just save myself lor.

There's a chance
But I don't grab it.

Sigh.. AHHHH

Sigh. Don't even know what I am thinking now.

Actually.. I feel something weird.
I always tried to talk to people on msn..
When, well, I always try to avoid
Because I am afraid that I will be a nuisance..
In the end when I am deciding
They signed out.

是我不会把握机会吗？

EDIT: I realised it.
I don't like anyone.
I like only myself.
For now.
Until I really knew who I like..

Forgive me..

Forgive me Rachel..
I didn't do it on purpose..
Everyone's worrying about you..
And Boon Wei's worrying a lot..
That's why I told him..
Please forgive me..
I'm sorry..

Sigh. Now I'm REAL depressed. Can't get away with it la.. Sigh. I want to say sorry to you.. But 就是开不了口..

edit at 11.42pm

JASON BOEY. F*CK YOU.
I AM TRYING TO SHOW SOME CONCERN
WHEN YOU IMMEDIATELY SWITCHED TO CAPS MODE AFTER I TYPED.
AM I SUCH A BAD PERSON?
算了. SINCE I AM NOT SOMEONE TO BE TRUSTED.

Sigh.

Sigh. Why am I sighing.
Maybe it's because people don't believe in MA's mugging meetings.
At least I believe.

And I don't dare to talk to her..
Really..
I am afraid..
I don't know what to do..
Sigh.

Still remember, in my official blog
I said something like
我要把生活涂得多姿多彩
That's all shit.
SHIT.
Sigh.. I can't even try to go into my life myself.

I want to die.
REALLY!
I WANT TO JUST ESCAPE.
But I need to abide by the lifelong promise that I can't commit suicide.
Sigh.. What should I do now?

My heart hurts..

It was a wild and stupid idea at the start
And yet I chose to believe that it will work
After 2 days of _a bit of work_
The MA forums are out
And it's pink in color (?? link ??)

However
Without 10 days
It died.

Yes. It died.

After I thought of a while
Firstly as I said the idea suck.
Secondly MSN is too strong
Everyone could just use MSN
And because of our frequent meetings
The forums are just virtually
Useless.

My heart hurts
I know that's my problem
But seeing a forum to go to waste
It causes pain in my heart, ya know..
Sigh.. 咎由自取
这也没办法
谁叫我就是一个每次都screw up的人
I wanted to change one, ya know..

Baox like connection cut off from the world.
I'm worrying :p
Don't even know whether she is alright..

And there's her again.
I feel blank at night..
Like I haven't done something
And yet sometimes I don't even dare to
Because of me being afraid that it's irritating..
Sigh. Useless.

Coughing. Ergh.

我受够了.. Sigh.
I want to escape this world
BUT I WON'T COMMIT SUICIDE.
That's the worst thing that I am going to do.
And that's stupid.
If you want to die, do something fun first.
Before you get caught or something.
But not something that makes people look down (emotionally) on you.
Crap. Why am I typing all these.

Should've cancelled the last paragraph. Sigh.

Missing you..

I miss her.
Really.
I miss the happy feeling when I talk to her.
I can't describe it.
Just laming with her really comforts me.
It seems to let me break free from my lonely self
Giving me the ability to really soar and fly
But either I signed in at the wrong time
Or we just don't have 缘分
Sigh.. It's impossible..

我快要疯了。
真的。
也不知是我太倔强
还是我真的很冤枉
昨天早上哥把新电脑拿出去
其实他根本就可以用旧电脑
他还不爽
要用新的
好啊
给你用
还没想到
结果你知道吗？
他近十点才回来
而当时又刚好不知道为什么不能用internet
他就说：“看，两台电脑是没有不同的”
屁
他懂什么？
他懂什么叫802.11b和802.11g吗？
根本就是crap
结果一整天
我根本什么都没做到
打算下个星期开始mug
然后就白白的失去了一天
我想了想
哥哥说过：“你可以搬电脑下去用或者去computer room”
可是为什么就是这样不公平？
他可以每次不用下去，我就要？
我是弟弟就要吃亏吗？
算了
弟弟就是要被欺负的嘛，对不对？

已经要疯了。

想想，先佑
有很多人的故事是比你艰苦的
所以你不能这样放弃
要坚持到底，然后帮助他们
对不对？
这就是你的人生哲理

被他说中了。

Even if I am not happy, I can’t do anything. The past is the past.. Well, I guess I will take a step back for everything. And just give my brother what he wants to do. Ultimately, even if I suffer, I don’t want to see others suffer. That brings me a sense of happiness, I guess.

Sometimes I wonder whether my aim in life is good. I feel that it irritates people when I talk to them everytime.. Sigh. But no matter what. I will still wish that they are happy.. There’s no direction in my life. And that’s the only thing that I found out that I can do. Although I can’t help much.. Sigh.

Why am I such a useless person in this world?
I can’t study well..
Even if my Maths is good
It is only Maths that is related to the curriculum
I still remember, during the AMC
I totally freaked out.
I was in fear
I always thought that my Maths had been so good
And only at that tiem did I realize that my Maths.. sucks.
And I can’t speak well
I can’t even do things properly
And I always screw up things.

Sigh. “我会好好的”- baox

Sigh. Don't know what is happening to me. Just cannot 提起精神.

Actually I still don't quite get what I am feeling now.. Sigh.. Even I can't understand myself.. Aren't I a failure? Sometimes I wonder the purpose of my existence xD And can suddenly go into "my own world" and dao everyone else one.

Sometimes thinking of her bah.. And having failed the "first attempt" (no I shouldn't call it that), I don't think I will have any chance bah. But 未来是不可预测的, right? I'll see.. But for now, I'll just continue mugging and I'll wish her happy and get good results.

I'm glad that I am thinking the right way.

Yeah. Guess that's what I am feeling now.

I don't even know why I typed this. I told myself that I have to type this under this condition (where I am stoning) to really express out my feelings. I can't go internet.. My brother using again.

I seem to feel that I can only feel better if I talk to Lee Koon.. Really.. Thank you.. You are really one friend who I will cherish.. And that is why.. Andre said that Lee Koon is "evil" because there isn't a clear line of cutting between her beauty and her character's beauty.. Agreed.. Yeah..

Really don't know what to do now. Going crazy liao. Totally NO LIFE!! What the hell. AHHH. Please. - Artix's true expression when in downness

And I think I realised that I am actually.. somewhat.. depending on people.. Seriously.. I need to find something to do in boarding school.. Otherwise I will find myself stoning in front of the computer waiting for 'her' to reply.. Sigh.. And I don't know what to do.. Tell me.. Tell me..